Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
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