She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
