can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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