The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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