my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
