Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
