He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
