There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
