I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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