I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
