they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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