Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
