I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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