Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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