I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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