It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
