I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
