Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
