I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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