Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Randomize