toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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