he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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