I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
