I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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