as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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