Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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