I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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