We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
