I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize