Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
