May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
