I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
