New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
