I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
