She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She made me pour olive oil on her.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
