mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
