You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
