It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
