Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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