I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
