sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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