first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
