I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
