Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
