he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
