if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
