He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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