Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
