I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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