the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
