My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
