I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
