my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
