It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize