Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Less talking, more tequila
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
