My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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