I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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