so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
