tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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