and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
