Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
