you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
