woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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