If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
