Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
