roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
